Word Vomit Wednesday - Simulacrum

 Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about random thoughts or a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.




I’m sitting on my parent’s couch with a heating pad hugging my left shoulder blade because I apparently strained it while trying to see around the very tall woman seated in front of me at Centennial Hall. And while Finding Neverland was a very cute and harmless production, it was definitely not worth this misery and I think I’m feeling more sore about that than I am about the pain itself. Couchella 2018 is about as big of a bummer as every Coachella that doesn’t have Beyoncé performing. It’s also forcing me to literally sit and reflect on this past week in Tucson. This trip has neither been all fibro flare-ups nor without stress entirely, but what it has been is bizarre. I’m coming back to a place that I consciously ran away from partly because I didn’t feel like I could be myself there. Or even find out who that was. It was a place where I felt so trapped and afraid of and frustrated by everything. As the cosmic joke that life can be would have it, my healing journey indicated that it was time to go back and dig into the shit I thought I left behind. As I now know, no one ever leaves anything behind. Wherever you go, there you are and sometimes in order to move forward you need to take a few steps back.

Random Kanye West-style philosophical rambling aside, it is weird being back and knowing that I’m not just heading to New York for good at the end of the week. I’m here seeing my family, family friends, and even some friends I haven’t seen since high school and so much feels unnervingly unchanged. Except for me. Every day I have had a sense of anxiety and unease and it’s not about moving back for this sabbatical. It’s more this jarring out-of-body sensation of recognizing a schema, situation, or dynamic and just feeling slightly off within it. I’m taking that as a positive thing. Because while I am not totally at ease I’m also not totally off-kilter either. I feel more grounded in myself and less like I’m compromising my authenticity like I was when I left almost 11 years ago. It indicates growth and a realization that I have more power in situations. But, it’s also a very naked and vulnerable feeling. Feeling those feelings in these situations that recall seventeen years of previous experience in living here is incredibly confusing. Almost every day I’ve been texting friends telling them how anxious I am, how I can’t just sit still and relax, how I’m constantly looking over my shoulder when I’m out in public, how I’m having such trouble sleeping and I just don’t know why. You would think I was under Witness Protection or something.

No matter where I go I sense this essence of a Katie that no longer exists and it’s obstructing my view of the situation. Like the town is haunted by this emotionally wounded child that just doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to pass on. I don’t know if it’s just my memories coming into sharp focus and confusing the past for present reality, but every day there’s been a moment of haziness where the next thing to do, say, or go is either muddled or doesn’t exist at all. So, maybe that’s the job I’m supposed to do here. Picking up my life one place and putting in another is not the challenge. I’ve done that quite a few times already. And I don’t think exorcising or slaying the demons is what’s called for either because, as I am painfully aware of right now, that will probably just cause strain that cannot be helped by a few hours snuggled up with a heating pad. But maybe learning to face them and help them across the vale will help me actually move on too.

 

 

Katie Louchheim is looking into a career in supernatural diplomacy.

Word Vomit Wednesday - System Update

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

 

I wasn’t really sure about what to write about for this week’s WVW. There is no shortage of things to write about, as we all can probably exhaustedly attest to. As I was thinking about my piece from last week, I recognize that I really need to acknowledge the privileges that I have more often. I don’t always want to talk about things that are immediately happening in the news because I often get to a point where I get so overwhelmed I just shut down. I don’t feel like I’m able to think through the issues clearly because I’m either feeling nothing or too many things. So, for some moments I opt out. That is a privilege. Even though a lot of these things do have a huge and sometimes immediate effect on me. The fact that I can opt out and have the space to build myself back up to fight is a huge privilege. It’s a privilege that everyone deserves to have.

So, while there are a bazillion and half important issues that need to be touched on and discussed and because of certain privileges that I have I cannot be an authority voice on many topics. And in a lot of cases I shouldn’t be. Because of my experiences with white privilege, thin privilege, etc., I realize that I cannot provide the most nuanced and authentic pieces on a huge range of topics. What I can do is elevate people’s voices that do have first-hand experience in areas that I don’t. SO. This is what I’m thinking. Once a month, WVW will be an interview with another badass human about issues that are really close to their hearts. AND since I do the audio engineering, and with permission from the interviewees, I could also create a WVW Podcast where all you lovely people can listen to the interview in its entirety.

Those are my thoughts! I am open to hearing suggestions on topics you all think are lacking right now or ones that need to be repeated or if you know or are a badass human that wants to sit down and Word Vomit with me, shoot me a message!

 

Katie Louchheim loves to be with people but also has very intense anxiety about people, which makes things very confusing for her brain sometimes. Fun!