About a month ago I had a dream where I got married. To myself. My own personal views on marriage and initial fear of pathological narcissism aside, I woke up feeling really impacted by the vision. As I mentioned a little bit in my last post, last year was probably the lowest point for me and the years prior were also pretty tough. At some point last year, I decided that I was going to change a lot of things, the most important of which was not selling myself short and not settling for anything or anyone. Little did I know at that time, that I was giving myself some incredibly valuable gifts. I was committing to myself and committing to loving myself.
At the time, it just seemed like the most obvious and progressive thing to do. I’ve never been the complacent or apathetic type. My brain is always buzzing, my body’s always moving, I always want to do more, see more, learn, feel, experience as much as I can. If there’s a problem, I want to find the best solution. Even when I’m resting I’m always doing it actively and with a purpose. Which probably sounds a bit oxymoronic. But that’s just how I function! Onward and upward, all day every day. So, when I started having panic attacks from being triggered just walking down the street, the obvious solution seemed to be to find a therapist to talk to regularly and help me learn to navigate through the world and difficult situations. When I was in a job where I felt disrespected and was not given the growth opportunities that were explicitly agreed to, not learning anything, not being paid a living wage, I quit! When I’ve had relationships where either I’m doing all the work or just being dumped on all the time without any consideration for my life, feelings, or humanity I’ve stopped engaging.
I’ve learned that there is no point in wasting time and energy on things or people that make you miserable. You don’t get a prize for suffering more, you reap rewards when you are proactive and create rewarding situations for yourself. So, things that I felt were just tools and decisions to help me grow and move forward, were actually so much more than that. I was beginning to teach myself to recognize fear and realize that clinging to it and other people’s expectations was not loving myself nor was it helping me thrive or make good decisions. I didn’t have to “tough it out” or fix and accommodate every relationship. I didn’t have to be grateful for every job that came around because it was a job. I could have standards and be choosy. And I could be grateful to the ones I took because of their importance.
Since I began consciously being better to myself, my life has changed dramatically and very quickly. My career goals and life have become more focused and in reach, I’ve reconnected with values that had gone by the wayside, I’ve been able to manage difficult situations with much more ease and less anxiety, and I’ve felt more grounded in my authentic self than ever before. The work never ends, but it feels less and less like work with each step forward I take.
As I saw myself being taken to my wedding by a very understanding friend and reiterating to her that I wasn’t marrying anyone, that this was just something I was doing for myself, and then seeing myself in a white dress standing in front of the officiant, I knew I had picked well.
Dream on babes!!! Xoxo KT
P.S. Let me know what your thoughts in the comments below, or share with me what dreams you’ve had that made an impact on you! I would love to hear your stories! ALSO, I am committing to providing more content in blog form and some pre – pre – pre – production youtube awesomeness (I will keep everyone updated on that project as it keeps developing), so if there is anything anyone is interested in me talking about just let me know in the comments!